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“It’s not you. It’s me.”

I am sure many of you have heard this line somewhere before. Our focus today is on the opposite.

Many of us go through life blaming others. We blame our bosses for pissing us off, our spouses for getting us into an emotional state, or even strangers for giving us unnecessary trouble. Well, guess what? It’s not them. It’s you.

Nothing, and I emphasise nothing, should affect your emotions. You are responsible for whatever you are feeling. The world continues running the way it does regardless of how you feel. The people around you continue with their lives despite your bad day.

What am I talking about?

Recall a time when you were upset with someone you know. Maybe it was your spouse, who had gone out with her friends without notifying you. Maybe it was your friend, who had to abandon a meet-up with you because he decided to go out with a girl. Recall the emotion that came along with that situation. What if the situation meant nothing to you? Would you be emotional about it?

There was once when my friend needed a lighter for her cigarette. Since I do not smoke, I did not have one with me. I went up to the girl beside me and asked. She looked at me, then said dismissively, “Wait till the lightning strikes then.”

Now, if I were to get upset, was it her fault? No! It was me. My mind would decide that her behaviour was unwarranted because I was merely a stranger, and I was just asking for a light. I would have a pre-conceived notion of what should happen, and when it didn’t happen that way, I would get upset.

Let’s move on to another example. I used to work together with this guy. One day, he was called away from his normal duties at work to perform data entry. This went on for the rest of the temporary contract period. Some of my colleagues made a comment about him becoming an office boy. When he heard about it, he became offended. To him, it was an insult. They were younger than him, they didn’t have any work experience, and he had been working for years. How dare they!

There is no need to debate about whether that comment was meant as a joke or not. It is irrelevant. The point is, what was said went through a perception filter. If you were in that guy’s shoes, and you decided that my other colleagues were disrespecting you, how would you feel? Likewise, if you saw it as merely talk, how would you feel? The resulting feeling would be as if someone had said to you, “I had MacDonald’s for lunch today.”

So what do all these mean? Our perception filters are responsible for how we feel. What if someone were to state an opinion of you, and you were able to see it as feedback instead of it as an attack on your character? The potential reduction in misunderstandings, and the effect on communication would enhance your interactions.

This post is Part 1 of 2. Next, we look at how self esteem plays a part in perception filter. Check out Seeing it as it is.

- CY

This entry was posted on Monday, December 17th, 2007 at 2:39 am and is filed under Social Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.