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This is Part 2 and the conclusion of Start blaming yourself!.

I remember how I was as a child. I was skinny (still am), short, and had asthma. My height didn’t experience a spurt in growth until I was about 16 years old, and at 15, I noticed that my nose seemed to be becoming bigger. Great. More ugliness for me.

It would have helped if I had people around to reassure me that being skinny was fine, that it played no part in my personality, that I was normal. But alas, my classmates would constantly ask me, “Why are you so skinny?” Every year, as I changed classes and became acquainted with new people, I always faced the same questions. On a subtext note, it was as good as saying, “Why aren’t you normal like us?”

My family wasn’t much help either. They constantly told me to eat more, saying I was too skinny, and that no girls would ever want me if I continued being skinny. Of course, at that age (around seven), I would reply defiantly, stating that if girls don’t like me, then so be it.

And so, as I grew older, that whole “no one would like me for who I am” mindset stuck with me. I had low self-esteem. Whenever someone asked me why I was so skinny, I would feel a sting. In my last post, I talked about perception filters. How I felt back then is a classic example. Was it anyone’s fault I felt that sting? Were they being mean? No. It was me having low self-esteem. There were no insults. It was a very normal question.

Self-esteem and perception filters.

People with low self-esteem will react very differently to situations as compared to people with high self-esteem. So what? Self-esteem is essential for psychological survival. It doesn’t take an idiot to figure out what self-esteem can do to/for you.

How do people with low self-esteem behave then? They would be afraid of challenges, avoid anything that might result in self-rejection, be less open to criticism, or make it difficult upon themselves to solve problems. These are merely a few examples. On the other end of the scale, people with high self-esteem have a positive attitude, see themselves as competent and worthy of happiness, and are more persistent in getting what they want.

The perception filter works accordingly then. If I had low self-esteem, and someone were to say that I am not worthy of happiness, I would be inclined to believe that person, and even get upset and let my day be ruined because of that one remark. On the other hand, if I had high self-esteem, I might just brush it off as a joke, and not remember the remark ten minutes later.

The difference it can do to your interactions with people is astounding. I have encountered many misunderstandings and unnecessary conflict due to self-esteem issues with family, friends and colleagues. As in the previous post, my ex-colleague was a good example. Enough of examples though. Let’s get to solving problems.

Changing your perception filters.

This is a simple solution, but not the answer to everything. In fact, it is not as effective as dealing with your self-esteem head-on. If anyone is looking to read into and improve their self-esteem, I would recommend ‘Self Esteem’ by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning as a starting guide.

Now, you want to be able to spot your perception filters. This requires you to get into your head. You will have to step out of your interaction with people and look at it in a third-person point of view. Focus on the inside when someone makes a comment that affects how you feel. Ask yourself why you feel that way. Find out what is the perception filter. A perception filter can be as simple as – I am the best at this job; no one can criticise me.

Once you know what it is, focus on how you can change that. Although you may be the best at your job, nobody is infallible; everyone makes mistakes. Besides, what if the suggestion your colleague made was genuinely good? Explore the options. This is obviously different from compromising your boundaries, so do take note when trying to change your perception filters.

And voila! That’s it. You have spotted and changed your perception filter. All that’s left is to continue your interaction and let it get better. It’s all about having fun.

- CY

This entry was posted on Monday, December 17th, 2007 at 3:04 pm and is filed under Featured, Social Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.