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When I was 19, I got to know this girl from one of my classes. We didn’t talk much at first, but one day, we went for a group lunch, and our interaction went amazingly well. It was one of those rare moments when you just click with someone without knowing why. Soon, we were hanging out almost everyday. We couldn’t stop talking to each other; there was an endless run of topics. Over time, I developed feelings for her. But I asked myself why a great girl like her would have feelings for someone like me. I had no money, no looks, and was a boring and dull person. I began to avoid her.

I never stopped liking her though. After about half a year, I decided to talk to her again. We had an honest conversation, and I found out that she was attracted to me then. I tried to chase her back, but it was too late. She was already in a relationship.

Many of us self sabotage our lives. Sometimes it’s a conscious process. Often, we are not aware of what we are doing. On a deeper level, it is our self defence mechanism kicking in. Our bodies are trying to protect us by ensuring that we remain in a comfort zone; however, it becomes a paradox when it causes us to make the wrong decisions.

Think back on your past and recall a situation when you self sabotaged your own life. It can be a situation where you did not assert yourself, for fear of others disliking you. I used to think that girls would not like me for who I am, and yet, I was eager to find a girlfriend back then. Often, our self sabotages come from having limiting beliefs. I have a friend who believes that he will never find success in his life, simply because he was born poor, and has had a “shitty” life to date. It stops him from pushing himself to get what he wants, and when he failed numerously at trying to get the girls he liked, it reinforces in his mind that he’s a failure.

Some other examples are:

• Looking for approval from someone.
• Being desperate for something to work out.
• Explaining yourself to others.
• Avoiding conflict.
• Fearing that others would dislike you.
• Procrastination.

So how do you overcome self sabotage? You need to be aware. You will have to get into your head, before you make some of the decisions in your life. The best way to know if you need to get into your head is by feeling. Is there some kind of pressure building up within you? What are you feeling at that very moment? What is the voice inside you saying? Then you have to ask yourself, “Why do I want to make such a decision? Is it really for my own good?”

Sometimes, the solution is not in asking yourself questions and making the right decisions, but in letting go of your own insecurities. One very good example is my story above. If I had just trusted that things would turn out right, I would have professed my feelings for her, and possibly gotten together, instead of losing contact and a friend as a result.

Ultimately though, it is important to recognise that self sabotaging is a symptom of a deeper issue. While fixing the symptom can help temporarily, the problem is still going to be there. In most cases, self sabotaging has to do with self esteem. I would recommend checking out Self Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning. I have used this book before, and it has helped me tremendously. I believe it will benefit anyone who’s looking to deal with their self esteem issues.

- CY

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008 at 1:14 pm and is filed under Social Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.