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Ever tried to read minds? I think we have all done it before. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but reading minds can be detrimental to us. Especially for the shy.
I used to be really shy. I was the guy without any opinions, and if I had any, I wouldn’t voice them out. Even with my really close friends, it would take me time to open up, and I did it in bits and pieces.
I remember walking on the streets, thinking that everyone was looking at my every move. I was so self-conscious that I could never act naturally. Even when I was having a good time with my friends, I constantly read other people’s minds, seeing their perception of me. In their eyes, I was skinny and nerdy and awkward.
Being self-conscious is a normal human trait. Taking it to the extreme end like I did is unhealthy. I had a lot of difficulty getting out of my shell, and up to this day, there are times when I just want to be left alone. What really got me started was a feeling of desperation, but that’s not the point. I realised that along the way, there were many subtle changes that helped me get out of my shell, one of them being getting rid of that inner voice that attempts to guess how people perceive me.
If only self-conscious people knew…
Understand this. While you are in your head thinking about how others perceive you, the same thing is happening to them. There was a research done by a Professor at Cornell University. He had his subjects wear embarrassing t-shirts in front of observers, or introduce them as bed-wetters. His subjects felt harsh judgment when in truth, the observers didn’t really notice them, and when they did, they weren’t being hard on the subjects at all.
There’s a reason for feeling that way. In evolutionary biology terms, it’s merely a self-defence mechanism that evolved down to today. Think about it. In the past, in those tribal days, if you were ostracised, that’s it for you. End of your survival. But in today’s world, it becomes unnecessary and only serves to hold you back. And for shy people, many are not realising the potential they have. I have friends who are really shy with strangers, but once they open up, they are easily the funniest people anyone can ever know.
So, if you are feeling self-conscious, don’t blame yourself or think it is wrong. The worst thing to do when you are trying to be comfortable in social settings is to think that whatever you are doing is wrong. Shy people get into their head a lot, so if you are shy, try listening to what the other person is saying.
When you are focused on listening, it takes you out of your head, and that forces you to concentrate on the current moment. Don’t think about how to react. This will put you into a mode where you start gauging the appropriate reactions in accordance to how you think the other person wants you to respond.
If you ever feel like you are starting to get into your head again, stop yourself mentally, and watch that person’s body language. This is to get you focused again on the person you are talking to. Listen closely, and start listening for the underlying messages that person is giving out. It helps in your conversations when you get the underlying message, and are able to relate to the other person better. When a connection builds, shyness is thrown out of the window. That’s when both parties are able to really enjoy the interaction.
(Now, if you are in a room, and there’s no one talking to you yet, how do you get rid of that shyness then? I think reading this article will help you: Fear and how it holds us back.)
Enjoying the interaction
A fun and enjoyable interaction is obvious from the vibe. Vibe is probably one of the hardest things to explain, because it’s pure feeling. But it’s also apparent because when it’s on, it’s unmistakable. Here are a few observations of mine:
- When the interaction between two people is not about mundane subjects.
- When the conversation goes personal and there’s that feeling that you understand and know that person.
- When there’s laughter and it’s not merely being polite.
- Between a guy and a girl, there’s flirting or banter.
- If there is silence, it’s comfortable instead of awkward.
- Both parties cannot stop talking and will interrupt each other, or be eager to get their thoughts out.
These are not hard and fast rules, but I tend to use them as a gauge if I want to know whether the vibe is on. Most of the times, if it’s on, I wouldn’t even need to think about it. Like I said, it’s all about the feeling here.
- CY
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