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Imagine this. You walk into a party, and you see this particular guy/girl who’s talking, and it seems that there is a circle around him/her, and everyone in that circle is listening attentively, as if enraptured by the contagious enthusiasm and life emanating from this person. You walk around the room, looking for a friend, and then find them in a group of only three people. As you join them, you realise their conversation is very simple and polite. The life here seems a lot more subdued, unlike that huge group you saw earlier. As you engage in conversation with your group, you know that the conversation is already dying down.
What does that particular guy/girl have that seems to get their group going on strong with fun and laughter? Why does your group seem so subdued? Have you ever thought about what specifically do sociable people have that gives them that x-factor? Do you think it’s inborn, something you either have or not have?
A real life story.
One of my close friends has a favourite story that he tells many people. I have heard it at least three times, but I never tire of it, simply because of the inspiration I draw from his story. He used to be afraid of being social, simply because he didn’t know what to say to people. There was one day when he spotted a friend heading towards him at the bus stop. They chatted for a bit, and when his bus came, he realised it happened to be the bus his friend was boarding as well. In an attempt to avoid awkward silence, he decided not to board the bus, and waited for the next one.
Today, my friend is one of the friendliest people I have ever known. A lot of what he says has no point to it. He basically says whatever is on his mind. But our group doesn’t care, because we know that that’s who he is. His transformation has been drastic. In a bid to change his life, he has spent a lot of money to get to where he is, be it on books or seminars. His dedication to being a social artist is apparent, and that has earned everyone’s respect. And he’s only a student.
Contrary to what many people believe, having that x-factor is a learnable skill. What you see as x-factor, is merely years of a natural process of socialising, and getting out there to live one’s life. If you stay at home every night, and have no friends, how can you ever be interesting? What do you have to talk about when you finally start to socialise with people?
Basic pointers.
Ever noticed how some people always have interesting stories to tell? Where do their interesting stories come from? I have a friend who’s involved in many activities, from gym instructing to Parkour to film-making (there’s more by the way). Will he ever run out of stories? I really doubt it. In essence, you have to be able to introduce your own conversational threads.
If you feel that you have trouble doing that, try writing down a list of topics to talk about. It can be a simple list like:
- Fashion
- Sports
- Movies
Whenever your mind hits a blank, just remember your list, and say something from there. A better alternative is to start getting out there and doing the things you really want to do. Try dance classes, learning martial arts, or simply join more social events like dating networks. Get friends to come together for a day at the beach. Get them to bring their friends along. All these activities will give you more topics to work with.
Once you are comfortable with introducing your own conversational threads, try working in enthusiasm. You need to be passionate about whatever you are talking about. Otherwise, it’s going to come across as dull and boring. Imagine a guy who has a fantastic story about how he evaded a biker gang while on holiday. But when he tells it, his tone is flat. It takes away the impact from the story. Besides, if you are not interested in what you are saying, how can someone else be interested?
As you let your enthusiasm build up, you would notice that you tend to be more relaxed. When you are relaxed, the people around you will feel it as well. Work in some humour by bantering. Laughter helps build familiarity, which will help the people around you relax more.
Remember. These take time. In fact, it can be very frustrating at the beginning if you are clueless. You will feel like you are shooting in the dark. But be patient. Over time, you will notice patterns in social situations. This is where you develop more social intuition and by then, you will get a sense of what works, and what doesn’t. Everything will be much easier and fun then.
- CY
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