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One of the things that I learned since trying to fix my social self and lifestyle is frame. In laymen’s terms, it’s the strength of your personality. People who are the life of parties have strong personalities, so strong that they can suck you into their reality. You are living their world by then, not yours. Frame is what makes someone really stand out. It is also what allows them to navigate the social scene easily. More importantly, it is the main characteristic that will allow someone to get away with almost anything.
Go out and observe people. Ever seen anyone with really strong confidence that’s almost like a steel wall? Deep down, without having to articulate how you feel, you already know that this person is not someone to mess with, and not someone whom you can easily persuade to your point of view. That’s frame. But having said that, this article is intended as a tip for dating; although it will work equally well towards improving your social life.
Unfortunately, frame is not something you get after learning a bunch of tools and techniques. Frame is from within. Picture this. You learn every single tool and technique that you can find to help you along in an interaction with a girl. But because social situations are so dynamic, you can never cover up any flaw of yours that might impede your progress with a girl. You can generate conversations effectively, you may seem truly charismatic as you charm the girl with your humour and wit, but she throws you a curveball suddenly. It may be something like, “You are such a playboy!” How you handle it will show the strength of your frame. If you go, “Oh no no, I was totally playing before. When I said I had 10 girl-friends, it was merely a joke.” Did it sound like you were explaining yourself? Sorry dude, you are out.
It sounds like a war out there huh? No, it isn’t. But a guy or girl will test the person they are going out with. If you don’t test, you won’t know that person’s credibility. You won’t know how genuine that person is. It can be something as simple as, “Buy me a drink and I’ll dance with you.” What does it say about you if you bought this girl a drink then? That you are being nice? Or that you needed a drink to get someone to dance with you?
In social interactions (not just dating), there are tons of little frame dynamics going on all the time. Situations like the above do happen. It’s normal. Guys tease each other for fun, but whoever gets the upper hand continuously in any teasing game is the socially savvy one since he’s demonstrated his stronger wit. If you’re talking to a friend whom you know to be a sexual person, and you interpret anything he says as something to do sex, then you’ve fallen into his frame. Case in point:
Friend who loves sex: “Hey man. How did the date go last night?”
You: “We didn’t have sex, if that’s what you mean.”
If your frame is weak, it’s almost as good as saying that you are a pushover. I used to be like that, and part of it comes from a fear of expressing myself and allowing others to see me for who I am. I didn’t dare assert myself because I was afraid that others wouldn’t like me for doing so.
Some tips to fixing frame.
At one point in time, I was out to fix my frame, so I observed myself and looked for signs for when I would lose my frame. I couldn’t concentrate fully on the interactions that I had with people, and it suffered. I wasn’t able to establish a true connection with anyone as a result.
It took me a bit of thinking, but eventually, I realised that frame was not from the outside. What I was doing merely fixed the symptoms, and not the self. It can work, but it will take a much longer time, and it comes at a cost; you would never be in the moment in your interactions.
But have faith! It’s a fixable issue. My friend and I were discussing about frame the other night, and he had a Zen-ish solution for it. He said that the way to fix frame, was to not think about it. It makes sense on a certain level, but what struck me were the implications. You have to be able to put yourself out there on the danger line, and understand that being judged is normal, and that it does not reflect on you a single bit. When you are out there having fun, and really being your best self, people would be sucked into your reality. When you don’t care about the reactions of others, and go about doing your own thing, that’s establishing your frame.
Even more importantly, I realised that you have to love yourself. One way of doing so is to see your own value. What exactly do you have that makes you unique? What is it that when shit happens and everything else falls to pieces, that you have going that will sustain you? What is it that you can offer people? I had that epiphany when I helped out a couple of my friends, and they were so appreciative that they said they couldn’t thank me enough. That was when it hit me how much I can offer to others.
Some resources that I would recommend anyone checking out on the topic of self love:
Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning – Self Esteem
Nathaniel Brandon – The Six Pillars of Self Esteem
Fiona Harrold – How to be Your Own Life Coach
It’s definitely not going to be easy, and it is going to take a while for anyone. My best buddy took at least six years on his own, without reading any self improvement materials. Another friend of mine took a year of constant learning and application, and he is still doing it. I am still on it. But the end result is so worth it, and I am already seeing substantial results. So be patient, and have fun!
- CY
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