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Fear. We all have it. It kept us alive in the days when we were fighting with sticks and stones. Back in those days, if we ran because of fear, we would be ensuring our own survival. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that anymore. The fight-or-flight response that our ancestors developed has a diminished use in today’s modern society. But we still have it as a natural instinct. The problem is, without awareness, it can control our lives.

Let’s face it. Fear still keeps us alive. Without fear, you would have jumped off a building just to see what it felt like. Without fear, you would have done whatever you wanted, without regard for the law. We all have different fears, and that’s okay. The most important thing is to know what your fear is, and how to overcome it to enrich your life.

How does it apply in the social context then? There was a point in time when my fear was paralysing. I wanted to get out there and meet people. But my fears held me back. I would stay at home all day, sitting in front of the computer and wasting my time. In fact, I didn’t even realise what I was afraid of. I just knew I was scared. It got to the point where I was frustrated by my inability to accomplish anything. That was when I decided things had to change.

Understanding my fears.

First thing I had to do was understand what fear I had. I locked myself in my room, and refused to let anyone interrupt. Just me and my thoughts.

I asked myself tons of questions. What was I afraid of? Why was I afraid? What were the possible consequences if I were to do this or that, and how would I react to them? How would I feel then?

I looked at all the fears and anxieties I was feeling, and tried to find a common thread amongst them. I found a couple, some of which were fear of rejection, and fear of loss. But they didn’t feel congruent with the core fear I felt. This is important, because without congruence, my epiphany would be false, and I would be working on a false assumption.

It came to me after two days. It was the fear of failure. I was in a comfort zone, and I didn’t want change. Changing means I am open to failing. And I was trying to avoid that. Next step was to try and get rid of that fear. Like in the Nike ad, you might say, “Just do it.” But my fear was crippling. I could not even get up the mental effort to get past it. But I had a technique which my friend taught me.

Removing the thorns.

For those who are truly interested, do a search on ‘Sedona Method’. I use it a lot, mainly for my fears and anxieties, but it can be used for any kind of feelings. For those who aren’t interested in following the entire course, here’s the simple version:

Step 1 – Feel the fear. Let it encompass your body.

Step 2 – Let the feeling go. How do you let it go then? What I did was to imagine and feel my fears as a pile of rocks held by a rope, and it was pulling my heart down. With a pair of scissors, I would cut the rope, and the rocks would fall into nothingness. As the rocks fell, my chest felt lighter.

A little bit of the fear went away then. I kept doing that for the next half hour or so, and then I felt peaceful and relaxed. But that’s not the end. I still had to get out there and do the dirty work.

This is where the tricky part is. How did I push myself? Sheer determination is very subjective for each individual. The amount of determination I have can be stronger/weaker than yours. If it is stronger, how would you approach my situation then?

The next step.

Presuming your friend asked you out to a party. But you are afraid of socialising. And you know that you are unlikely to make new friends because you have a fear of approaching strangers.

Let’s take it step by step then. First off, let go of these fears using the Sedona Method. But your will is not strong enough to push you forward to get out of the house. What then?

Blank out your mind, and focus only on the current task at hand. Don’t think of the consequences. Don’t pre-plan anything. Take it one step at a time.

Perhaps you need to shave (Yes ladies, do something about those hairy legs) first? Then dress yourself up? As you are doing so, think of what you have to do after. Get your socks, maybe?

What after that? Think of the things you need to bring with you. MP3 player? Wallet? Mobile phone? Once you are done with all that, get your shoes. And then get out of the house.

That’s probably the biggest step ever. But you still have another step. You reach the party, and you saw that cute girl you always wanted to talk to. But that fear of rejection…

Again, don’t think of what to say. Don’t think of the consequences, and don’t pre-plan. Count to three, then move your feet towards her. Say hi. And remember to smile.

- CY

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 12th, 2007 at 2:27 pm and is filed under Featured, Social Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.